The ebb and flow of the ocean hitting the side of the boat I’m on reminds me of my thoughts about life. Some days I ride the waves of happy feelings, time spent together with family, or the guttural purr of my sweet kitty, Yoda. Yet, almost seemingly in an instant,I can experience the void where the water has left a dark spot on the place it was only just caressing. Where did it go? How can I feel such joy followed almost instantly by emptiness, this vast loneliness, even in the moments I’m surrounded by people.
It’s a feeling I’m sure you can understand, maybe right now you’re sitting at your end of the screen, vigorously nodding your head up and down as you resonate with my words. And maybe you don’t, maybe your troubles lie somewhere in the physical world. That’s okay, too. I’m not writing this post to question my thoughts, or to validate them or anyone else’s, but simply to acknowledge that yes, those feelings exist. In my world. Every day, even when they’re dormant.
There are times when months pass and I think to myself (when I notice) wow, I’ve been so happy. Sometimes, guiltily, that thought is closely scrutinized, wondering when my reign of ecstasy will end. I know that I often try to find the source of happiness, as if I could just pick it up I’d have it forever. I’d squeeze it to my chest and gently pull off small bits to share with those who have not found it. But I can’t do that; maybe in a metaphorical sense, yes, but I find too often I’m looking for the happiness, as opposed to curating it and building it up in myself.
So why does the wave hit, so slowly, and then disappear over and over and over again until we are pulling at our temples wondering how? How do we keep this permanently? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s like a sunny day— after so many you start to miss the rain. Maybe we need that painful reminder every now and again that we are complex, with emotions and hormones coursing through our bodies, just adding to the daily battle of understanding our surroundings.
Like I said, I didn’t come here to pick apart my brain and lay it out like a puzzle to put back together. I don’t understand it, as much as I do try, so I simply have to acknowledge and accept this soul and brain I’ve been given and work with it the best I can.
I hope you enjoyed reading my blog post. All thoughts and images are, of course, my own. This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with any companies, brands, or products.